I no longer work with the goddess Lilith. In truth this has been coming for a while, an inevitable final act of a play that I have been performing in since my earliest days as a magickian. Even before perhaps, but now no longer it seems. The curtain has fallen, the stage is bare. Only the soft sound of the wind blowing through the empty auditorium remains as I face that fact that there are other soliloquies to explore without the patronage of my oldest and dearest spiritual script writer. Everything we have worked on has led up to this point, and this old fox must now hunt in the shadows alone.
Of course far more thought has fed into this decision than a single blog entry could ever describe. All I can do is try and illustrate at least some of the reasoning behind walking away from a relationship that has up to this point dominated much of my occult life. Hopefully it will also form a final lesson for her many and hidden followers within the Pagan paradigm, one that highlights the eventual need to let go of your gods when you are strong enough to fly beyond the boundaries of Eden on your own. For how can anyone truly embody such passionate freedom when they are reliant upon another to get results?
All dances must eventually come to an end. Just like Salome before Herod, Lilith’s final veil has now been cast aside to reveal the naked truth that I am strong enough to rebel against reality on my own. I no longer need her, nor does she need me. I have grown in both skill and confidence in the many long years which we worked together, always looking forward to the times when she would pop back into my life and weathering her demands for adoration with a keenly studious instinct. All the prices I paid were done so gladly, for the treasures I brought back from the abyss were valuable beyond imagining.
But her freewheeling attitude does not require supplicants, for she needs fellow heretics to stand with. Over the years, as Lilith’s veils glided slowly to the floor more and more of her mysteries were laid bare to my ever inquisitive touch. She forced me to conquer those insecurities, understand my pain and make it work for me. Hers was the first rebellion against a higher power, an intimate knowing of how much could be endured to stand screaming in defiance to the sky. She is every warrior who raised a sword against their king, or hacker bringing down the corporate giants of the world.
If she was not the kind of godform that finds such goodwill irrelevant I would turn as I leave to wish her well. I think she understands, in her own way, that I am all the better for having her on my side over the last decade or more. If not, then I doubt that she would have wasted the effort on the broken and self destructive mess that she found all those years ago. Teacher, lover, tormentor, Lilith has been all of these and more. There may be other gods and goddesses in my life when I move into middle age, but none will hold the same beguiling mystery or primal power that she did for as long.
As a sovereign being Lilith has the right not to care about my feelings in this matter. I would never be stupid or conceited enough to deny such a free spirit her agency after what we have shared. Yet I cannot help but wonder what she sees when her dreamless eyes are upon me now. Does she feel any pride at all for the mere human that she helped mould into an elder of this nebulous community, a man who rages against the injustices that crowd around the edges of our conjoined spiritual paths? Or has her interest in me faded to the point where her boredom became overpowering and I never cross her almost infinite mind at all?
I guess in the end this entry has become less of a direct explanation of my reasons than a love letter to a newly dead dream. It is healthy when a relationship ends to weigh up the outcome, to place the costs and benefits on the scales of truth and see which way the pans swing. In some ways our gods are even more intimate than lovers. I gave much to work in her essence, but on balance I gained so much more. Wherever Lilith is now, whoever is hearing her whispers while struggling to understand the ivy in their veins, I hope they have the strength of will to jump into the burning crucible of rebellious transformation that she represents.